Confession

Today’s short story is the missing scene most requested by fans, of what happened between Amarinda and Tobias in the early chapters of THE SHADOW THRONE. Major spoilers are ahead. DO NOT read this story until after you have completed THE SHADOW THRONE!

Jaron was dead.

I had heard that Avenian speak the words himself, boldly and without doubt. My heart had shattered in that moment.

First to lose Darius, and now his brother. Was I to be doomed always to endure such loss?

I stumbled forward, almost blindly making a trail through the Avenian woods in my hurry back to Drylliad. Jaron had made me heir to his throne, and despite my every wish not to be a queen, the people needed to see that they were still being led through this war.

“Amarinda, please go slower,” Tobias said behind me. “We must be cautious.”

I shook my head and continued to march forward, muttering, “When was Jaron ever cautious?”

“And look what’s happened because of it.” Tobias touched my arm and I finally turned back to him. “I’ll help you get back to Drylliad,” he added. “But let me help you.”

My eyes began to heat and as I felt tears coming, I shook my head. This was why I hadn’t wanted to stop. Because when I stopped, I had to think about Jaron, about the deep guilt that gnawed at me every time I looked at Tobias.

“I loved him too,” Tobias said. “Different than how you must have felt, of course.”

I shook my head. “We were only ever friends, Tobias. But I did love him.”

Tobias nodded and pulled me to him, then let me cry on his shoulder. I’d cried so many tears in the past two days, this wasn’t the first time he’d seen my sadness. But it was the first time he’d attempted to comfort me this way.

His hands wrapped around my back and I slowly became aware of how very close we were, closer than we should have been.

I leaned back, attempting to put more distance between us, but his hands remained firm at first. He blinked, then his arms loosened and I stepped back.

“I didn’t mean anything by that,” he said. “I only meant to comfort you.”

If that was true, then that only worsened the guilt within me. It must have felt to him like I was testing his loyalty to Jaron, when I had already betrayed it. Every instinct with me wanted to ask Tobias to tell me the truth, that if he shared any of my own feelings.

But to ask would require me to confess, and I could not do it. For nothing I felt was new. Even before we left Drylliad, and before Jaron released me from the betrothal, I knew that I loved Tobias.

“I have no more need of comfort,” I said, beginning to walk again. “I only need to get to Drylliad.”

“Yes, my lady.”

I knew that Tobias was unfailing in his loyalty to Jaron, even in death. He would consider it a betrayal to ever love me in return.

Nearly an hour passed before he spoke again. “It looks like rain,” he said.

I glanced up. The clouds were dark and quickly becoming angry, perhaps a sign of Carthya’s future. Would it now be left to me to fight this war? I had no idea where to begin.

Or was this a game of the devils? Perhaps so, because within the hour, the rain had become so fierce, Tobias and I were forced to take shelter beneath a thick bush on a forest hillside. He created a rock barrier for the water to slope around us, but by nightfall, I was shivering, and the rain still came.

Tobias removed his coat and placed it over the leaves to better protect us, but I said, “That won’t do. Now you’ll be cold.”

He laid beside me, arms straight at his sides. “I’m fine.”

“Very well.”

A shiver ran through me and he turned to face me. “The Queen of Carthya cannot be ill when she takes the throne.”

“I’m not the Queen, Tobias.”

“You are now, Amarinda. Come here.”

He held out an arm and I scooted in closer, and as he wrapped his other arm around me, it was inevitable that we would end up facing each other. The night was very dark, lit only sporadically by flashes of lightning. Every time I saw a flash, I looked at Tobias and saw him staring directly at me. His hand curled, flattening against my back.

“I don’t want to become queen,” I said. Until now, I’d only said those words to Jaron.

“Then don’t. But…” Tobias hesitated. “What do you want?”

“I want to learn. I see you studying every book you can find, and I envy that. If I did not have so many royal duties, that could be my life too.”

“It could be your life,” Tobias said. “Amarinda, it could be our life.”

“Jaron…”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. I just—” With the next flash of lightning, I saw that Tobias was looking down. It became dark again. “It was foolish for me to ask. I don’t have his strength, or his strategy, or his courage.”

“He doesn’t have your mind.”

“Yes, he does. He just doesn’t use it when his heart gets in the way. When I stand next to him, I’m a shadow.”

“He’s gone, Tobias.”

“He is. And Carthya is less of a place because of it.”

We didn’t say another word that night, and finally fell asleep, awaking to what appeared to be a nearly perfect morning, bright and warm and beautiful.

Tobias and I set out walking again, each of us determined to ignore last night’s conversation, though now that I had some hint of his interest in me, I knew we could not avoid the talk for long. 

And I was beginning to see things differently. Even if he were alive, I was no longer betrothed to Jaron. I had no obligation to him. For the first time in my life, I had the chance to choose who, or what I wanted for myself.

I turned back to Tobias to tell him so, but looked past him and realized we had passed a wild berry bush. My hunger was so severe, I forgot my manners and all fine graces and ran toward the bush.

But my eagerness was repaid with a slip of my heel and I fell backward into a deep pit of mud. I turned to all fours to push myself out, but only became more deeply embedded.

“Amarinda, are you all right?” Tobias hurried back toward me.

He looked so concerned and I felt so foolish that I only began laughing. “Do I look as absurd as I feel?” I asked.

Tobias chuckled and leaned forward, offering me his hand. “Let me help you out.”

I took his hand, then gave it a firm thrust forward, pulling him in with me. Tobias flailed forward and landed, splashing even more mud on me, but I hardly cared at that point. In a playful act of revenge, I threw a handful of mud on his shirt. “That’s for getting me even dirtier!”

He laughed and threw mud on me. “That’s for getting me dirty at all.” He pushed himself to his knees and stood, then helped me up. Then he stood back and stared at me. “I forgot myself, my lady. My queen.”

He brushed some mud off my face, and I did the same to his cheek. He leaned forward, still smiling. “I’ve never seen you so dirty.”

I stepped back, suddenly conflicted again. “Those were nearly the first words Jaron ever spoke to me, you know. He told me I had dirt on my face.”

Tobias’s smile fell. “I saw the dirt that same night, but didn’t dare to say anything.”

“It would not have been your place. Jaron also said if he could not look at me as an equal, he would not look at all.” I placed my hand on Tobias’s shoulder. “Look at me, Tobias. Look at me, not as your queen, but as your equal.”

His eyes met mine and he smiled again, but said, “Does it feel that Jaron is still here, still with us even right now?”

I didn’t answer, nor did I want to consider any answer to that question. Instead, I began trudging out of the mud pit. “I heard some splashing water near that hill. We can get cleaned off there.”

Once again, Tobias followed me off the trail along a small river that ended in a pool being fed by a vibrant waterfall overhead. I waded into the water and let it cascade over me. It was cool and crisp but with the sun facing me, I simply held out my arms to let the water do its work. 

After a minute, Tobias followed me in. I used my handkerchief to wipe some of the mud from his face, then he rinsed it and took it to shore to let it begin to dry. While there, he removed his coat as well, obviously to let the shirt underneath get clean.

I turned to watch him wade back to the center of the pool, but when he joined me beneath the waterfall, he immediately put his arms around my waist then kissed me. I hadn’t expected it, but i responded with equal intensity, indifferent to the water pouring down on us, and only wanting this moment to continue.

When it ended, we parted only as little as necessary, and Tobias said, “If he were alive, Jaron would kill me for that.”

I brushed a wet lock of hair away from his face. “He would understand. Jaron loved Imogen. He would want us to be happy.”

“Then let us be happy. Let us be happy together.”

It was difficult to think of happiness then, when so much was going so wrong, but if a better future was ahead, I wanted it to be with him. I smiled and lifted my face as Tobias came closer for another kiss.