On the twelfth day of Christmas,
This author offered me
Twelve Postcard Mailings,
Eleven Questions Answered,
Ten Sassy Moments,
Nine Tips for Writers,
Eight Printed Printings,
Seven Resolutions,
Six quotes from Rescue,
Five Giveaways!
Four Christmas wishes,
Three Rescues,
Two Free Zoom Visits, and
A title for book five series…
Okay, this is it – the last one!
I just printed up some new postcards. They’re not life-altering. They won’t shatter any art achievement records. Seriously, they’re just postcards with my signature on them. But…
If you want one, leave a great joke below. It must be non-offensive, but doesn’t have to be original, and hopefully it will be funny. Enter as many times as you want, but it needs to make me laugh, groan, or at least smile a little, to be officially entered. From those, I will draw twelve random winners to receive a postcard. If I laugh hard enough that I have to share the joke with my family, then I’ll offer you a free book, but that’s a high bar to set.
This is an international contest, and winners will be announced on Saturday.
263 Comments
This is more like a script, but here it is!!
Me: Shh! I have babysitting duty today – and apparently on a mouse.
Puppet: I’m not a baby!
Me: Yes you are. Now, I need to –
Puppet: I can’t sleep!
Me: (turns to cradle) Just close your eyes. (turns back to the audience) As I was saying, Today I am goi-
Puppet: I can’t sleep! I need to see the audience!
Me: What? Now?
Puppet: Yeah, duh.
Me: (grunts) I guess this is what I get for agreeing to the Rat family’s offer. (brings out mouse puppet)
Puppet: Hello everyone! I’m Rick Rat.
Me: OK. You are going to stay muted.
Puppet: No. (turns around, then turns to me again) What does mute mean?
Me: Silent.
Puppet: I don’t understand.
Me: Fine. Take a chill pill. (opens up computer)
Puppet: (takes a small pill and eats it)
Me: (types) I said for you to take a chill pill. You took a stupidity pill!
Puppet: Hmph!
Me: (sighs, shakes head, types) Don’t worry, I’m not typing a novel.
*3 seconds later*
Puppet: (gasps) What have you done to my mouse friend?!
Me: Excuse me? It looks like the pills are working.
Puppet: (takes computer mouse with the magnet) Him!
Me: (jaw drops, pick up mouse) No, Rick, it’s a com –
Puppet: (puts mouse down) You are an assassin! You put your filthy hands on the dear mouse…
Me: No Rick, it’s a –
Puppet: That’s it. I’m done with your nonsense! (takes out black cloth, I help him put it on) It’s about time this rat got a quick rat funeral. (sniffs) I, Rick Rat, say that I’ve known you for a long, loving five minutes and am sad for my loss. (puts head down) you go!
Me: I say that you were an awesome, well working mouse and that you will be happy with the device mouse angels.
Puppet: Goodbye…
Me: Mouse.
Puppet: Goodbye Mouse. We hope in your afterlife you will be able to take the nonsense out of your assassin. (goes on knees, pouts)
Me: Thank you everyone for listening, I hope you enjoyed it!
Puppet: How could they be enjoying it? You killed a mouse!
Me: (puts puppet back into cradle)
This was actually a ventriloquism script, and it was funny, so I didn’t really change a thing. Ignore the ‘puppet’ words and imagine someone talking to a rat. (maybe Fink from the Ascendance series) lol, I hope you enjoy!
I made this on my own; no plagiarism!
Everyone: I’m gonna WIN!!!
Me: I’m NOT gonna win…I never do!
3 days later: Everyone anxious….
12 people won!!!
Me: Gets a story idea.
Also me: Immediately starts planning detailed scenes from the 10th book in the series.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Yay! I have a funny meme to share!
Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors’ house
Police: Where are your neighbors’ house?
Me: You won’t believe me if I tell you…
Police: Tell me!!
Me: Next to my house
This is HILARIOUS!!
Me: I don’t need to write down that story idea, it’s so unique i’ll never forget it!
Narrator: It was in fact so unique, she never remembered it again!
🙂 🙂 🙂
What do you call a galaxy that is owned by Sam?
Samsung Galaxy
Writing is 10% typing and 90% staring at your computer trying to find a better way to describe someone eating a piece of toast.
🙂 🙂 🙂
This is so true 😂
The first rule of writing is notebook hoarding
The second rule of writing is we do not write in our notebook hoard!
🙂 🙂 🙂
Okay, here’s one:
What did one shark say to the other as he ate a clownfish?
This tastes a little funny.
Thank you for the past twelve days of Christmas! They have been the highlight of my day!
“What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.”
“Why did the M&M go to school? It wanted to be a Smartie.”
“What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Frost bite!”
“What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot!”
“What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree”
“How can you tell a vampire has a cold? She starts coffin.”
If I had to rate our solar system, I would give it ONE STAR! XD
I love this one!
I decided to write a little joke that Sage would make. I want it to be a little bit like a fanfiction with some of his beautiful sass.
Let me set the scene.
Sage sparked a war. Obviously. It wouldn’t be a book about him if he didn’t. Sage got himself tangled up with the enemies and Imogen, seeing that they’d tied him to a tree, went to fight them off. Let’s see the scene. (Sage’s P.O.V.)
I stared at her. There she was. Running down the town road, skirts blowing up in the breeze. In turn, I told the men that had surrounded me that I’d seen something running behind me. Being the idiots that they were, they went to check. As soon as they did, and not a moment later, Imogen stopped near my tree, withdrawing a knife from a holster near her waist.
“You’re such an idiot!” She exclaimed.
“I might be an idiot, but at least I’m a handsome one,” I said, struggling as my diaphragm was enclosed in the rope. “The stooges know how to tie,” I remarked, glancing in their direction. They were still running, the bunch of Neanderthals.
“That’s right. The ropes are quite hard to cut, but I think I got it!” Imogen said, cutting the final rope that was wrapped around. Marks from it being so tight around my arms showed, but I would waste no time.
“How fast can you run?”
“Not very-” Imogen started, but before she could finish, I had scooped her up and started running.
When we reached a hill, I stopped and took a breath. I could hear the men from before rushing to me.
“Get down here, fool of a king!” They called out.
“How about you climb, pigs?” I retorted. They huffed and started climbing.
Wasn’t really a joke as much, but I hope it made you laugh at least a little bit. Sometimes the ideas inside my head are so stupid that I have to see them through. Merry Christmas, Mrs. Nielsen!
I made a hiking playlist with music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it Trail Mix 😌
Oh! I heard a great one that I’ve been telling to everyone I come across.
How do you know Jeff Bezos is ready to sleep?
He’s got his PajAMAZON 🤪
HAHAHA OMG
I made it this one up in high school choir. I probably am too proud of it and love the opportunity to share it.
Q-“Why couldn’t Bach afford a new piano?”
A-“Because he was Baroque!”
One time, I was eating at a restaurant. I was really hungry, and it was seafood. I love seafood. So I ordered a big meal. When I finished it all, the waiter came by and said, “Great job! You finished all your food!” Yes, Jeffery, I finished all my food. You’re not my mother, and it wasn’t green beans. Now get me a hecking ice-cream-sundae.
“Where do pencils go on vacation? Pencil-vania”
I invented a new word! Plagiarism!
“What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta”
“How do you fix a cracked pumpkin? With a pumpkin patch”
“What does an evil hen lay? Deviled eggs”
I came up with a new word: plagiarism 😉
Why did the baboon ask the giraffe, “why the long face?”
Because he thought his neck was his face.
– Harry Styles
I genuinely don’t know why this is funny, but it is.
“What does bread do on vacation? Loaf around.”
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.
-also not my own joke
A bear walks into a cafe and says “give me a coffee … and smoothie.” “Why the big pause?” The barista asks. The bear shrugs “I’m not sure, I was born with them”
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
I asked Siri to check my bank account and tell me what Apple products I could afford
She said: Apple juice
A joke that’d make you laugh? Man, we’d have to all be Sage to accomplish that. But I’m gonna try anyway.
*thinking really hard*
*thinking even harder*
*flipping through The False Prince to get some serious inspiration from Sage*
(Okay, that was just me being super weird. 😂)
Oooooh, I just thought of this really funny thing that someone had said. I might not have it exactly right.
My friend says to me: I don’t like Lord of the Rings
Me: I don’t what your Tolkien about
Ooooh, also (and you can count this as an extra entry from me or not), but I had realized a week ago that the opening line from The False Prince is soooo universal. If you switch enough things around it can work for just about any situation. For instance:
“If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have started a novel. Then again, I’m not sure I ever had a choice.”
Or “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have ran out of toilet paper. Then again, I’m not sure I ever had a choice.”
And my personal favorite XD “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have lived through a pandemic. Then again, I’m not sure I ever had a choice.”
Anyways, I’m not sure if you found that cool or just super weird, but there you go!
Wow that’s really interesting and I’ve never thought of it that way 😯
I love the “If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn’t have lived through a pandemic. Then again, I’m not sure I ever had a choice.”
Thats pure GENIUS-NESS!!
Q – What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A – He felt funny!
Q – Why couldn’t the astronaut invite all of his friends to his birthday party?
A – There wasn’t enough space!
Q – Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?
A – Because every single buck is dear to him!
Q – How does a snowman lose weight?
A – He waits for a warm day!
Q – How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A – Nothing, it was on the house!
Q – What is a snowman’s favorite Mexican food?
A – Brrrr-itos!
I was going to tell you a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy!
Q – How does the ocean say hello?
A – It waves!
Q – What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A – An investigator!
My friend thinks that he’s pretty smart, he told me that an onion is the only fruit that can make you cry… so I threw a watermelon at his face.😂
Q – If Sunday and Monday got in a fight, who would win?
A – Sunday would win because Monday is a weak-day!
When do you go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty! (2:30)
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? He woke up.
How do you distinguish an alligator from a crocodile? By paying attention to whether the animal will see you later, or after a while.
Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.
Why can’t you eat Wookie meat? Because it’s too chewy…
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, swimming with sharks will cost you an arm and a leg!
Where did the king keep his armies? In his sleevies!
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, “How do you drive this thing?!”
If a bearded man makes vases, is he considered a Harry Potter?
My friend has a horse named mayo, and sometimes mayo neighs.
The reason I entered was to make some people laugh by the way, so you can give the post cards to someone else if that makes things easier for you to decide!
Q – what is worse than raining cats and dogs?
A – Hailing taxis!
What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
Nothing, it just waved.
Q – When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
A – When the punchline is a parent!
Q – What animal never gets an A in school?
A – A C-horse!
Q – why did the scarecrow win a medal?
A – Because he was outstanding in his fields!
Q – How do you catchy a unique rabbit?
A – unique up on him!
Q – How do catch a tame rabbit?
A – Tame way!
Q – What is brown and sticky?
A – A stick!
Q – What do you do if your dog tarts eating a dictionary?
A – You take the words out of his mouth!
Q – Why do eggs not tell jokes?
A – Because they don’t want to crack up!
My friend thinks that he’s so smart, he told me that an onion was the only vegetable that can make you cry… so I threw a zucchini at his face 😉
Q – What does a snowman like to eat for breakfast?
A – Frosted Flakes!
Q – What do you call a bunch of chess players, bragging about their games, in a hotel lobby?
A – Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
YAY! I LOVE JOKES! I must I tell you, I MUST enter for the sake HILARIOUS-NESS!!!
Im probably going to enter a bunch of times, (not spam though) because I LOVE jokes/puns (also riddles, but that won’t work here, welp) and I’d have a hard time choosing one, I’ll also make up a few if I can! This giveaway will be SO fun to enter! I also can’t wait to make my friends roll their eyes, groan, or laugh (they probably won’t laugh, welp me) by telling them these jokes!
Now I better get laughing my head off!! (By that I mean looking/brainstorming jokes!)
Q – Who is the king of all school supplies/
A – The ruler!
Q – What do you call a kid who is afraid of Santa?
A – Claus-trophobic
I live on a farm. I am not an egg. I have a white shell. Though I am not an egg. I have a yellow middle, but I am not an egg! You can crack me and cook me, But I’m not an egg!
What am I? (I’m not an egg)
ANSWER: I am an egg (don’t trust me next time)
Q – Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A – He was sitting on the deck!
I have a really weird humor and this joke from Bart king-sized book of fun.
No one in my family thinks it’s funny but for some reason this just cracks me up.
When is the sentence “ Objects In the mirror are closer than they appear” the last thing you want to read?
When the mirror’s on your tricycle and the “object” is an angry pit bull.
Q – What kind of tree can you carry in your hand?
A – A palm tree!
I can fly, but not sink. I am harder than rock, but sweeter than pie. Without me, your life would be none. I weigh not an ounce, but if you try, you cannot pick me up
What am I?
ANSWER: A porcupine who likes to make up lies about himself
Q – what did Zero say to Eight?
A – Nice belt!
Q – What do gingerbread men use to make their beds?
A – Cookie sheets!
What am I?
ANSWER:A bright pink, neon green and navy blue Tractor which is sitting on top of a school. (obviously)
If a strawberry is sad, does that make it a blueberry?
Q – Why do fish always sing off key?
A – Because you can’t tuna-fish!
Q – Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A – He suspected fowl play!
Q – Why do magicians do so well in school?
A – They’re good at trick questions!
Q – Why couldn’t Cinderella p[lay soccer?
A – She kept running away from the ball!
why did the chicken go to the concert…..
to get some drumsticks!
the police were called out to investigate a kidnapping at school…..
it’s OK he woke up
why did the chicken cross the road…
to get to his lover’s house
knock knock
who’s there?
the chicken
Q – What happened when the turkey got into fight?
A – He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
A few puns will make me feel numb, but math puns make me numb-er.
Q – How is the alphabet different on Christmas from any other night?
A – There’s Noel!
Q – Why couldn’t the pony sing?
A – He was a little horse!
Q – What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?
A – It gets toad away!
I asked the lion in my wardrobe what he was doing there, he said it was “Narnia Business.”
I love Narnia!
I love Narnia too!!!! Your joke is so funny!!!!😂
That’s hilarious, Avery!
Q – Hoe did the wise men know that Jesus was 7 pounds 8 ounces at birth?
A – They did a weigh in the manger!
I love this joke too!!! LOL!
Why doesn’t Santa need to pay a parking ticket for his sleigh?
ANSWER: It’s on the house
Eight things I know about you:
1) You are reading this
2) You are a human
3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without seperating your lips
4)You just tried to do it
6) You are laughing at yourself
7)You have a smile on your face and you skipped number 5
8) You just checked to see if there is a number 5
P.S. Jennifer Neilson-Your books are the best in world by far. Words on fire and The false prince series are like the best!!!!!!!!!!!!11
How do you know so much about me? *sarcasm* LOL
Two kids walk into a bar with toy shovels in their hands and sand in thier hair. The bar tender said “ sorry we don’t serve minors” one kid turned to the other kid and said, “ I told you we should have left the shovels in the sand box!”
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
That’s hilarious, Larissa!
A weasel walks into a restaurant. The waiter says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before! What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A lamb, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Ba Dum Tss
I’m reading a book about antigravity…
It’s impossible to put down!
At a costume party
Host: What are you?
Guest: A harp.
Host: Your costume’s too small to be a harp.
Guest: Are you calling me a lyre?
Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen?
Because he couldn’t decide, 2B or not 2B.
Why are authors always cold?
Because they’re surrounded by drafts!
What’s in the wardrobe?
Narnia your business!
Narnia is one of my favorite series! I just finished reading it for the fourth time.(yep, all seven. I know, I have an obsession!) Super funny! 😀
Hi, my name is also Avery and I like the Narnia series, too. I haven’t yet read the whole series though.
Why did the librarian get fired?
He was always getting checked out!
Here’s a Riddle. . .
Voldemort!!
Why is there always a fence around graveyards?
People are dying to get in!
Me: What did the cow say to the pushy pig?
You: What?
Me: Moooooove over!
You: Hahahaha
What do you call a snowman in the summer? Nonexistent!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9.
Heheheheehe
7 ate 9…. get it. Hheheheheheehe
This is the best joke I have, and only half the people here will understand it:
“Why do missionaries always cross their legs?”
“Why?”
“Because they only get one pee day a week”
That’s so funny!
Taking walks seem to help cure my insomnia.
Lots of people have insomnia, you don’t see them losing any sleep over it!
Two tomatoes are in a race.
The tomato in second place passes the tomato in first.
What does he call to the one now in second?
“KETCHUP!”
Where are you going?
Insane, I am going insane.
2 tomatoes are in a race.
The tomato in second place passes the tomato in first.
What does he call to the one now in second?
“KETCHUP!”
My friend loves postcards! So this would be a great giveaway from her. Okay, this is my son’s joke and I’ve been telling everyone.
Q: What prize did Gaston win?
A: The No Belle Prize!
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
Jaron: *sneezes*
Tobias: Bless you
Jaron: Bless me? That’s a first
LOL 😀
😂
Two muffins are baking in an oven
First Muffin: Its hot in here
Second muffin: *In complete astonishment* WOW! A TALKING MUFFIN!
Did you hear about the man who ran over himself?
He asked a little boy to go across the street and get him his bag, but the boy said No, so he ran over himself.
Sage: Hey Imogen, meet my new friend, Basil
Imogen: …Don’t say it
Sage: He’s joining my Herb Club
Imogen: …I’m leaving
Sage: You’ll be back
Basil: Thyme will tell
I know a good joke when I see one 🙂
LOVEEE this one! Especially how it’s with Sage and Imogen!
LOL. That is super funny! I cannot make up good jokes like that. Even the jokes I can make up take forever to think of and are not that funny.
That is so funny XD
My joke requires a bit of story for full effect. Mom was going up to Minnesota… in January. We live in Texas. I can remember about ten Christmases when the AC has turned on… I am about to turn seventeen. To put it simply, Texans DON’T know how to deal with the cold. The morning Mom left for Minnesota I made sure to tell her to be safe and not to freeze to death. I said, “I don’t want a momsicle.” I then joked:
“If Mom goes to Minnesota and freezes to death, she’ll be a momsicle.
“If Dad goes to Minnesota and freezes to death, he’ll be a popsicle.
“If a cute boy goes to Minnesota and freezes to death, he’ll be a DREAMsicle.”
I might be just a tad bit boy crazy.
I live in MN. Woke up this morning and water in the house is froze. Go outside, check the cows. The cows water is froze. I assure you it is cold 🥶
Me: What dose a frog say when he is unwrapping Christmas presents?
You: What?
Me: Rip it Rip it Rip it.
Fun! This is my favorite joke of all time: (Pointless, maybe, but oh so funny. To me, at least;)
So. There was a man. And he was walking along the street and he sees a dog. And this dog is huge. It’s up to his waist. So the man tells the dog, “Wow, you must be the biggest dog in the world!” and the dog says, “Nope. The biggest dog in the world…is over the next hill.”
So the man walks over the next hill because he has to see this dog. And this dog is big. I mean, really big. Its head is up to the man’s neck. So the man says, Wow, you must be the biggest dog in the world!” and the dog says, “Nope. The biggest dog in the world…is over the next hill.”
So the man walks over the next hill. and the new dog is enormous. it’s at least twelve feet tall. Wow, you have to be the biggest dog in the world!” and the huge dog says, “Nope. The biggest dog in the world…is over the next hill.”
So the man yet again walks over to the next hill, and his jaw drops when he sees this dog. This new dog is as big as a house, a big house. So the man yells, “You are definitely the biggest dog in the world!!” and the dog says, you guessed it, “Nope. The biggest dog in the world…is over the next hill.”
So the man walks over the next hill.
And this dog.
This dog is MASSIVE. I’m talking the size of a big business building. He’s HUGE. And the man yells up, “I KNOW you’re the biggest dog in the world.”
And the dog looks down at him and says, “Nope. The biggest dog in the world…is over the next hill.”
So the man walks over YET ANOTHER hill. And this new dog is INCREDIBLY gigantic. Skyscraper high, with claws bigger than the man. It HAD to be the biggest dog. So the man shouts, “You have got to be the biggest dog in the world!”
And the huge dog looks down at him and says, “Nope. The biggest dog in the world…is over the next hill.”
The man doesn’t believe there can be another dog bigger than this one, but he goes over the next hill to see.
This dog is so big, the man can’t see the head, or really the whole entire top half of the body, because it’s so high up in the clouds. It’s huge, and standing next to the dog the man feels like an ant next to an elephant. So he yells up to the dog, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST DOG IN THE WORLD!”
Silence. The dog didn’t hear him, he was so big. So the man yells louder. “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST DOG IN THE WORLD!”
The dog still can’t hear him. So he shouts with all his might- “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE THE BIGGEST DOG IN THE WORLD!!”
And from above, the dog’s booming voice answers,
“Yep.”
What do you call horses that only come out at night?
-Nightmares
LOL, I like that one, it is funny! 🙂
Do you want to hear a butter joke? I butter not tell you it might spread.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up.
Do you want to hear a tree joke? I wood tell you but I can’t remember it.
Have you heard the pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
I love jokes, but that’s all I’ve got off the top of my head. I’ve got a joke about construction but I’m still working on it.
Two pickles fell on the floor. What did one say to the other?
—Dill with it!
I want to say that I love your twelve days of Christmas lyrics!!!!!!!! I sing it everytime I read it!😀
I love this contest! Okay, I have a joke: Don’t worry if you forget how to throw a boomerang . . . it will come back to you.
This is fun! Okay, so I tried to come up with a few for The False Prince, but I was pretty unsuccessful, so here are a few I like:
–> How many indecisive people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
five. wait, no. seven. maybe six? or…four?
–> An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Thanks for the twelve days surprises and giveaways! This was fun.
(PS. I think Kylie should win, her joke is hilarious AND has a Hamilton reference!)
This is fun! Okay, so I tried to come up with a few for The False Prince, but I was pretty unsuccessful, so here are a few I like:
–> How many indecisive people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
five. wait, no. seven. maybe six? or…four?
–> An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Thanks for the twelve days surprises and giveaways! This was fun.
(PS. I think Kylie should win, her joke is hilarious AND has a Hamilton reference!)
When you know what you’re going to say but you are too lazy to actually form a sentence when speaking so you just hjkfagjkhfgj.
Here’s another joke – this one is original:
Person: I don’t like reading anymore.
Me: Here you go. *hands person The False Prince* I’ll have you back in shape in no time.
1. What should you give your parents at Christmas?
A list of what you want…
2.Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?
Because every single buck is deer to him!
3. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing. It was on the house!
4. What do you call a blind reindeer?
I have no eye deer…
5. How is Drake like an elf?
He spends all his time wrapping…
(And then one more cause I love this one)
6. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!
Mrs. Neilson, Thank you soooo much for doing this. It’s SUPER cool!!! 😁
OMG! That’s embarrassing!!!
I’m sooo sorry! I spelled Nielsen wrong!🤭
Anyway, have a great day everyone!!!
The moment you realize Kristoff is the only character in Frozen with more than 4 letters….
OMG :O
My family thinks my jokes are either extremely groan-worthy or very funny, so here goes:
Why are there no coronavirus cases in Antarctica?
Because it’s so ICE-o-lated!
EVERYONE ITS TIME TO MOVE TO ANTARCTICA!! Make sure to bring twenty jackets, twenty three pairs of socks, two hundred and seventy three masks!
Yes yes yes!!!
They say not to criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, so that way, when you are criticizing them, you’ll be a mile away from them and you’ll have there shoes.
That’s the best I’ve got! 😂
My mom when she finds me searching for Christmas presents: “You know, curiosity killed the cat.”
Me: “Well its a good thing I’m not a cat.”
Three guys are eating at a restaurant with their girlfriends. They’re chatting and having fun when the first course arrives. The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, “Pass the honey, honey.” Everyone at the table was impressed with his pun. When the next course came out, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, “Pass the sugar, sugar.” Again, the table is impressed. So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After thinking and thinking and thinking, when the third course comes out, he turns to his girlfriend and says:
“Pass the pork, pig.”
How it feels like to write three words after a month of writer’s block:
OH YEAH! It’s all coming together!!!
Here is a little Ascendance joke
Sage: I have everything under control!
Mott: Excuse me?! The grand hall is ON FIRE!
Ok that was more of a situation that probably happened at some point XD
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square!?
Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter Harry Potter
You didn’t read all of the ‘ Harry Potter ’ so you didn’t realize there was a ‘Ron Weasley’ in there.
You just checked.
Now you’re laughing because you got tricked. 😂
Why was six afraid of seven?
Cuz seven 8 nine
What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi Bud!
Why did the kid throw their clock out the window? Because they wanted to see time fly.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
Why did the pony get sent to their room? Because they were horsing around.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.
Thanks so much for giving a wonderful 12 days of Christmas. I’ve looked forward to your posts every day. Happy Holidays!
What do you call a wreath made out of $100 bills??
.
.
.
Aretha Franklin!!
What’s Harry Potter’s favorite way to get down a hill?
Walking!
JK Rolling.
Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, AND you’ll have their shoes!
Q – Which hand is it better to write with?
A – It’s better to write with a pencil
Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving, you need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
Two girls were going to Disneyland. The sign said “Disneyland left” so they started crying and headed home
4 aliens visit Earth. They come to a town and decide to walk around. The first one went to the restaurant. It learned the words ‘forks and knives’.
The second one visited a local park and found a girl crying to a man, “because he stole my lollipop!” Now, it knows the sentence and memorized it!
The third one was snooping in a grocery shop and found a coin on the floor. Nearby, a man yelled, “He paid me to do it!” The alien remembered it and kept it in his mind.
The fourth one was on a tree admiring their space shuttle. A young girl seemed to walk by and say, “We didn’t!” and crossed her fingers. The alien tried it and used it often.
As all the aliens were walking to their shuttle, the came across a dead man. A police was strolling by and asked the aliens a few questions.
He asked the fourth alien first, “Did you do this?”
The fourth alien replied, “No we didn’t!” and crossed his fingers.
The police asked the first alien next, “What did you do it with?”
“With forks and knives!” the first on replied.
The police asked the third one after, “Who told you to?”
“He paid me to do it!” pointing a finger at the dead man.
The cop finally asked the second one, “Why did you do it?”
The second one looked around blankly, then said, “Because he stole my lollipop!”
The aliens were arrested, but they escaped….
And were never tracked being on Earth ever again….
Me: Why did the robber wash his clothes before he ran away with the loot?
You: What?
Me: He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a security guard at Samsung?
Guardian of the Galaxies
What do you call a security guard at Samsung?
Guardian of the Galaxies
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them
here is one…
Q. What did the horse say when he fell?
A. I have fallen and I cannot giddy up!
I did not make this one up myself but I really like it. Thank you so much Mrs. Nielsen, I enjoyed the 12 days of Christmas so much! Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a Snowbank!
Me: typing a novel
Also me: drinking coffee 24/7, up at 2 a.m., and sleeping until 11.
🙂 🙂
This is my favorite challenge yet!
Okay, I didn’t think up either of these, but they made me laugh, so here goes!
Sherlock Holmes and Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke up Watson and said,
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied,
“I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes said,
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied,
“If there are millions of stars, and even a few of those are planets, it’s probable that there are some planets like Earth out there. If that is true, there might also be life.”
Holmes said,
“Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
And the other one:
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were all watching a juggler perform. The juggler notices they have a very poor view and stands on a wooden crate. He asks,
“Can you see me now?”
They reply,
“Yes,”
“Oui,”
“Si,”
“Ja,”
(Yes, we see ya.)
Q: What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in the chimney?
A: Claustrophobia
Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop.
Q: Why did the bike fall over?
A: Because it was two tired
(I know these are corny)
1)What’s a soups favorite sport?
Answer: Bowling!😂
2)What’s Gandalf’s favorite fruit?
Answer: MELLON 😂😂😂😂
3)Did you know that Darth Vader had another daughter? Yeah…he named her Ella. Ella Vader. 😂
Q: Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pen?
A: Because it’s pointless.
1)What’s a soups favorite sport?
Answer: Bowling!😂
2)What’s Gandalf’s favorite fruit?
Answer: MELLON 😂😂😂😂
3)Did you know that Darth Vader had another daughter? Yeah…he named her Ella. Ella Vader. 😂
Love that last one lol
I’m on a seafood diet…Which means I see food and eat it….
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they use honeycombs.
Q: What do you call a fish without eyes?
A: A Fsh
Q: Why did the mushroom go to the party?
A: Because he was a fungi.
Q: Why did the photo go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do lawyers wear to work?
A: Lawsuits.
Q: Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
A: They crack to easily.
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it’s ajar.
Q: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
A: He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Q: How did the barber win the race?
A: He knew a shortcut.
Q: What did one hat say to the other?
A: You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.
Q: Why couldn’t the pirate learn the alphabet?
A: Because he got lost at C.
Q: Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
A. Too many cheetahs.
Q: How does a duck buy lipstick?
A: She just puts it on her bill.
(Hey I know I am probably not gonna win but still thank you for doing all of this. It has been really fun, and you are my favorite author which makes it even better. Thank you for all that you are doing.)
One last joke before I go. This one is VERY CORNY and is a knock-knock joke.
Person 1: Knock-Knock
Person 2: Who’s there
Person 1: Ach
Person 2: Ach-who
Person 1: Bless you
(Byeeeeeeeee)
What is the past tense of ride?
Rode
What is the past tense of riding?
Roden
(I came up with this while reading the Ascendance Series)
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
I hope Im not too late! If I am welp. Anyways here are a few jokes! (Actually more than a few!)
1. A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”
2. I was reading a book about anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down…
3. I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
4. If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 9 apples in the other what would I have?
Big hands!
5. I asked my cat what two minus two is.
She said nothing.
6. Time flys like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
7. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
8. Exaggeration went up 1000% this year!
9. Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
10. Im telling you, anything with velcro is a total rip-off!
MY FAVORITES! (Their more like funny stories though)
11. Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
12. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
Now for my only original joke!
13. If you feel like you’ve ruined everything look on the bright side. Its nothing compared to what Sage has done.
I hope everyone laughs their heads off.
*evil laughter* OFF WITH YOUR HEADS!!!
Thanks Jennifer for these epic surprises! Why did it have to end so soon!?
Oops, I accidentally replied to a comment. I didn’t mean to do that 😅
Here’s a knock knock joke:
knock knock
who’s there?
Rose.
Rose who?
Rose and Rose of houses and I’m the only one without a doorbell.
This comes from elf. But it’s funny and it’s Christmas tomorrow so… “Buddy the elf, what’s your favourite colour?”
“Hello, is this 911? What’s your number?”
Knock knock
Who’s there?
Justice.
Justice who?
Justice once I wish you could laugh at my knock knock joke.🤣🤣🤣
Wanna hear a long joke?
Jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke
I got my wife a pug for her birthday.
Despite the smushed face and the drool, the dog seems to like her!
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes “whack” “darn” and
a skydiver goes “darn” “whack”
When life gives you melons, you’re dyslexic
Hey, if you’re a security guard at Samsung, does that make you a guardian of the galaxies?
I invented a new word!
What is it?
Plagiarism!
19 got into a fight with 20.
21.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
What do you call a bear with no ears?
Anything you want, it can’t hear you!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it!
What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending!
Mrs. O’Leary took her neighbor to court and complained that he was calling her a pig repeatedly.
The judge listened as the neighbor explained how much he hated Mrs. O’Leary, and eventually ruled that the neighbor shouldn’t be allowed to call Mrs. O’Leary a pig.
The neighbor agreed, and then asked if he was allowed to call a pig by the name of Mrs. O’Leary? The judge didn’t see why not, so he allowed it.
The neighbor left the courtroom, and as he passed his neighbor, he said, “Good day, MRS. O’LEARY.”
My friend: what are you doing?
Me: reading
My friend: no like how’s it going?
Me: pretty good, I’m on chapter five!
My friend: no like what’s going on in life?
Me: well kes got to the safe house!
My friend: NO, IN REAL LIFE!
Me: oh that’s boring
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!😆
A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally, he gets his suit.
He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits until he finally buys flowers.
He picks up the girl and they go to the dance. There is a long line into the dance, so they wait and wait.
Finally, they get into the dance, and the guy offers to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch, so he goes to the drink table, and there is no punch line.
One day Sage went to see Fink. Fink had a big swollen nose.
“Whoa, what happened, Fink?” Sage asked.
“I sniffed a brose,” Fink replied.
“What?” Sage said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!”
Fink replied, “There was in this one!”
Vargan: I’ll get my revenge!
Sage: *sighs* fine, get in line.
Vargan: what line?
Sage: That line.
Vargan: That’s longer than the line for the new Playstation! How do y-?!
Sage: It’s a talent.
Sage: What’s the worse that could happen?
Tobias: DON’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!
Alternatively:
Sage: What’s the worse that could happen?
*six hours later*
Sage: Oh.
What did the Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
my mom asked me to go to the store and pick up 6 cans of sprite . when i got home i realize i picked 7-up !
also , you are my favorite author! my favorite book of your’s has to be either resistance or a night divided . Happy holidays !
whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize !
What do you call me if you want my attention after I’ve read one of Jennifer. A. Nielson’s book.
Answer: Nothing, unless you want a sour throat or if you are planning a trip to Carthya or Antora.
What did the Star say to the other star?
Did you pass gas?
I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?”
The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”
Is it ignorance or apathy that’s destroying the world today?
I don’t know, and I don’t really care.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
A Mississippi
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type!”
Me: Knock Knock
You: Who’s there?
Me: Control Freak
You: Con-
Me: Ok, now you say “control freak who.”
You: – –
_______
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
Why was everyone surprised when “circle” passed college?
answer: It had 360 degrees.
Which building in New York has the most stories?
The public library!
What did the baby corn say to the daddy corn?
Answer: Hey pop, why so salty?
Why is feedback a gift?
Answer: Because you can always return it.
Earlier this year, I was chatting with a kid in my class on Teams, and I told him that “Wearing headphones for just an hour could increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.” He was like: “Earbuds too??” Me: “Probably. I would assume even more since they are inside your ear.”
Now here’s the funny part, right before he left the chat he said “Imma go clean my AirPods”
Once, in our writing group, the teacher suggested that a boy in our group (I’ll call him Nathan, but that isn’t his name…) separated his paragraphs, for easier reading, instead of writing one long, continuous paragraph. This happened this year, so the group was online, and I found him a great article talking about how you can organize your story. I sent it to him.
An important thing for you to know, is that Nathan, considers absolutely EVEYRTHING cliché.
So, when about 15 minutes passed since sending the article, I asked him, “Where there are clichés in the article?” He replied with a meme that said, “How dare you use my spells against me, Potter?”
This is a joke my father always said….its originally in Spanish in a story style, so may not translate well into English but….here it goes:
There was a man walking his heard of cows across some tracks….all of a sudden a train comes and kills his herd.
Christmas comes long and his grandson excited opens his gift….which happens to be a toy train set. His grandpa, panicked, grabs a stick and smashed the toy train. Turning to his shocked family he says “You must kill these animals when they’re small because once they get big there is NO stopping them!” 😱
Lol now that I think about it, it doesnt sound funny at all in English, but it cracks us all up that the man thought the train was an animal haha
Two weary travelers stopped for the night at a small inn. The cook placed a plate with two cookies on the table between them.
One cookie was small and plain, the other large and had chocolate chips.
Each traveler waited for the other man to take the smaller cookie. Finally, after several long minutes, the first traveler snatched the bigger cookie and took a bite out of it.
The second traveler was outraged. “How could you be so rude!”
The first traveler continued to eat the larger cookie. “Well, what would you have done?”
“I would have taken the smaller cookie!”
The first traveler said, “Well, that’s what you got, so why are you complaining?”
My Dad: You see, when you walk into a bathroom, you’re American. And when you walk out of a bathroom, you’re American. But while your in the bathroom, European.
Me: Haha funny but I’m pretty sure while you walk into a bathroom, you’re Russian.
What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters, and never has five letters.
Think about it 😉
To all those suffering from the winter sniffles, this little joke made me laugh for an unusually long time. Maybe it was just the fever crazies getting to me 🤣
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it~
This is a little funny twist I wrote on the situation in the False Prince surrounding Sage not giving up the fool’s gold at Farthenwood.
Conner: WHERE IS THE ROCK SAGE?
Sage: I dunno, what will I get if I give it to you?
Mott: You can have this other rock, it is shiny and larger than the one you had.
Sage: Looks Gneiss, but no thanks, I’m gonna need it to prove that the Pyrites didn’t kill me years ago
Conner & Mott: … what?
Sage: What?
A little mineralogy humor~
Here’s a joke my father told me (this one would be fitting because it’s Boxing Day in Canada):
How do you properly wrap a punching bag?
You box it!
~ Laura K. Abeid
Wait, I’ve got another one!
Two windmills are in a field, making conversation.
Windmill #1: Say, what’s your favourite kind of music?
Windmill #2: Oh, I’m a big metal fan
I must give a shoutout to my brother, who suggested this one.
Happy Holidays!
~ Laura K. Abeid
I’ve got two jokes. One is from me, the other is from my brother.
Here’s mine:
How do you properly wrap a punching bag?
You box it!
Here’s my brother’s (it’s much better):
Two windmills are standing in a field, chatting.
Windmill #1: “Say, what’s your favourite kind of music, pal?”
Windmill #2: “Oh, I’m a big metal fan!”
Happy Holidays, Jennifer A. Nielsen!
~ Laura K. Abeid
Brittany, in a melodramatic voice: Listen… If you’re going to keep pressuring me with this question then I have to answer it, huh… Yes. I did kiss your boyfriend…
Jessica:…
Brittany:…
Jessica:… We’re playing Go Fish-
Brittany: YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WAS BEGGINGLY ASKING ME!
Jessica: I ASKED YOU IF YOU HAD ANY SEVENS!
(Look, I’m sorry okay? It was funnier in my head, haha-)
Q: Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
A: Because it got stuck in a crack.